Today was the 1^st Grade Poetry Celebration.  Each student read an original poem at a microphone in front of a crowd of adoring parents.  At the end of each piece, applause was given and one compliment was taken from the audience.  The poems ranged in length, subject, and ability.  Miss Thing read an original work about Mt. Lassen, her favorite place.  It’s brevity driven more by her lack of study skills (can we really attribute such things to a 6 year old?!) than her knowledge of the location.

Parents dug deep for complements, praising rhyme, subject matter, lyricism, and emotion.  For one particularly nervous young man, whose poem was especially brief, the praise was even for his bravery at repeating the poem twice and slowing down as he had been asked.  But for two girls, the praise was how their poems and their outfits matched.   A young girl who wrote about a botanical garden and appeared in a floral dress and another who penned some lines about bees and honey and wore a striped, bubble skirted dress. 

The dads who gave these complements did not intend to make these girls small.  They did not realize that they bypassed the girls’ work and praised their fashion sense.  The look on one girl’s face told me that her choice of outfit was incidental, rather than intentional. 

Why do we do this?  When stretched to compliment a boy, we choose character.  When stretched for a girl, we choose her looks.  And then we wonder how to get more girls involved in math and science.  We have to stop sending the subtle, but unmistakable signals that our girls are to be valued for their appearance and not their substance.

When you go home to your daughter today, ask her what she excelled in.  Ask her what the most interesting thing was that she did all day.  Assume her excellence and probe for it.  That will send the unmistakable signal that her substance is what matters.